Catharsis awaits for those ready to pursue it—hopefully more effectively than he taught his defenders to pursue anything
All told, it could’ve been worse.
None of us lost anything of value in the process. Well, aside from the time and money and sanity we all spent watching this play out for three-plus years. We’ll never get those back.
(I can’t help but think about that kid whose parents named her Collins because they were so excited about the hire. I wonder how that’s going for them. On the bright side, at least they didn’t name her Collynseigh or something.)
There’s a lot of baggage to unpack here. I feel it’s important to let the man himself tell the story of his finest moments:
9/14/19: As y’all know, we don’t do scout teams here. We have our Developmental Team, because this is a Five-Star Developmental Program. The team we played today runs a certain type of offense, and no, we did not have our Developmental Team simulate it in practice, because that offense is how things used to be done here, and We Don’t Do Things That Way Anymore. They’re an FCS team with 260-pound linemen, and as we say in this program, Big people Beat up Small people. I’ll have to look at the tape to see what went wrong, but they did a lot of things that we had not seen on tape.
11/12/19: We’re here to change the way things are done here, and that includes changing the fact that we never get shut out at home. Proud of how we competed today against a good team. Justin Fuente is a good coach. They did a lot of things that we had not seen on tape. I think that’s the best team we’ve played since Temple.
(note: that last sentence was an actual quote from that day. He used a 45-0 rivalry game loss as an excuse to give himself a pat on the back for his last coaching job.)
11/26/19: My goal has been to bring change and turn us into an Elite football program. We even rewrote a record today, with the worst Tech loss in the history of the Tech-UGA rivalry. Proud of how we competed against a tough opponent. They did a lot of things that we had not seen on tape.
…yeah I can’t keep this up. It’s too painful for me and probably for anyone reading this. Shifting to Fan Mode:
9/12/20: a shocking win in Tallahassee! A shiny new exciting QB and hyperstar RB! A terrific defensive effort! We’re finally turning the corner and—
10/3/20: I’m sorry, does that number say 73? Seventy three? How is that even—wait why is the punter’s name listed in the QB line? Did they run a fake while— HE LINED UP WHERE? AND YOU LET HIM GET A FIRST DOWN? LEMME GUESS, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TAPE ON THE PUNTER PLAYING QB? WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST BEAT HIM UP? ISN’T THAT WHAT BIG PEOPLE DO TO SMALL PEOPLE? OR IS ALL THAT TALK ABOUT SIZE NOTHING BUT—
12/10/20: the very last thing you did to close out this godforsaken season was to make Pat Narduzzi look sympathetic. that is not supposed to be humanly possible. but then again, so is giving up 73 points to a conference opponent
9/4/21: I signed up for the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate tournament at Dragon Con. When they placed me in the 7 pm Round Robin pool, which would coincide with the Tech-NIU game, I withdrew from the tournament and headed to campus for the game. I would have immediately lost in humiliating fashion in the Smash tournament, and yet it still would have been an infinitely better use of my time than every second that I spent taking in this farce of a football game. (It was also just before this game that he sent the last tweet from the account he set up for his shoes.)
10/9/21: That was a biGTime win today. Our motto this year was W.I.N. 21, meaning What’s Important Now, and that’s what we’re out to do this year, because Big Time Players Make Big Time Plays In Big Time Games. That was an EliTe Duke offense that we went up against—one of the best offenses in the country. They did a lot of things that we had not seen on tape. But we competed hard and showed GriT. (Sorry, he got out of containment. He’s back in the box now. But he did absolutely refer to the 2021 Duke offense as being one of the best in the country. To this day I have no clue what metrics he used to reach that conclusion.)
10/30/21: In the middle of what would be a boring loss to a bad Virginia Tech team with a lame duck coach, he left the huddle to run down the sideline and try to hype up the crowd. It didn’t work. But maybe the timeout was more productive without him present.
11/13/21: Pretty sure it was after this game where we got the infamous line: “If you can’t see the progress, you don’t want to see it.” The game in question was an 11-point loss to Boston College. In fairness, it was progress in that it was an improvement from the prior year’s 27-point loss. Which is why AD Todd Stansbury gave him a full-throated vote of confidence.
11/27/21: Tech allowed fewer yards to the opponent than they had in any game since September. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it was still like 460 yards in a 45-0 loss to UGA, capping a stretch of being outscored 100-0 in two games and 131-9 through most of three games.
9/3/22: okay that’s it I’m breaking character YOU GAVE UP FORTY ONE AMERICAN POINTS TO AN OFFENSE RUN BY DJ UIAGALELEI
9/26/22: we’re freeeeeee happy birthday to meeeeee
And in all that, I didn’t even get into how he mocked a reporter for asking why he rolled out two QB and telegraphed his plays, or the time he [Steely Dan]ed up the scholarship numbers and left Jamal Haynes unable to enroll, or the alleged Defensive Back Whisperer’s secondary finishing like 130th in the country in pass defense, or the time he turned away a future NFL starting QB who expressed interest to avoid hurting an incoming freshman’s feelings, or the endless passive-aggressive Twitter jabs at GT’s struggles after he was kicked out of town, or…
…yeah, suffice to say, I think we all circled the Tech-UNC game immediately upon learning whom he brought in as his new DC. My only wish is that it had been played in Atlanta this year.
There was, and is, a bit of fear. What if he talks his team into a huge defensive effort in a Carolina win? It seems eminently possible. And yet… he was last seen blowing a 20-0 halftime lead to Duke, and before that he gave up 70 to James Madison. (Only 70? Dabo is disappointed.)
We’re almost here. It’s very possible that disappointment awaits. But if not… I’m not sure that “cathartic” will even begin to cover it.