Let’s get to the really important discussion of the holiday.
It’s that time of year again. The family is in a food coma, but your uncles have discovered the football collecting dust in Granny’s garage, and they want to show you how real ball is played.
But what if your family were the Atlanta Falcons? Who would you choose to build the ultimate team with? Lucky for you, I went through the trouble of assembling the greatest backyard football team in team history.
Guidelines: There is one designated QB, snapper, and pass rusher. The snapper is allowed to release two Mississippis after the snap. The quarterback can be rushed after a 3-second Mississippi count. Quarterback runs are outlawed.
The field of play is 40 yards long and contains multiple potholes, trees, and pet droppings. Two-hand touch for tackling. Teams get four downs to score. Two five-minute halves with no running clock, and the ball starts on the six-yard line.
Designated QB: Matt Ryan
Matt Ryan is the quintessential designated quarterback. Ryan will draw up routes on the football that fit everyone’s skills, and you know he’ll distribute the rock to everyone. His newfound love of flannels and quarter-zips, coupled with the high expectations he’s about to put on your little cousin experiencing their first iPad-free hour of the day, make him an easy pick.
Quarterback runs aren’t allowed in these games either (only scrambling behind the LOS), which is really for the opponent’s benefit cause once Matty Wheels gets moving, stopping him is no easy feat.
Mike Vick
Quite possibly the most broken player in the history of backyard football. Vick was made for reverse passes, last-second laterals, and all the other tomfoolery that goes down in this football setting.
Vick will leave Grandpa in his dust and shake the newest generation of cousins out of their Crocs. He can roam the secondary for easy house calls or even become a generational pass rusher if the quarterback can’t beat the 3-second count.
John Abraham (designated pass rusher)
Abraham is still the last dominant pass rusher to play for Atlanta, and those services will be needed in the yard. Three seconds sounds like plenty of time until The Predator (please note this is a reference to the movie franchise!!) is running into your field of vision.
Abraham will force errant throws and bad decisions that Sanders and others can take advantage of all afternoon.
Julio Jones
They call him Waffle House cause he’s always open. Jones is that one family member you’re pretty sure is an alien. He towers over everyone, is stronger than everyone, and, for some reason, is good with squirrels. He only needs to run three routes: go, post, and drag. Anything more than that would be unfair to everyone else.
The man isn’t afraid to play defense when asked, and there’s a good chance his two-hand touch tackling technique sends half the players flying.
Deion Sanders
Sanders has the best chance of giving Mike Vick a run for his money as the most valuable player. Primetime was known for making big plays in all three phases of the game, and in an environment where the receivers he’s guarding are running on 3000 calories of Thanksgiving food, he’ll be even deadlier.
Sanders will bring the trash talk and celebratory dances the team needs to give themselves an edge.
Tony Gonzalez
Your younger cousins think the old man is washed just because he lacks speed, but they’ll quickly find out that backyard football requires a lot more boxing out and contested catches than they’re prepared for.
Tony G is Mr. Reliable, and that one stab jab to get open still works like it used to. A redzone nightmare, he’ll have family members helplessly hanging off of him as he reels in touchdown after touchdown.
Bijan Robinson
Bijan can do it all, and he does it all with a smile. The team’s current starting running back is another player who would be a nightmare to try and corral after three pieces of pie. Juking uncles and putting everyone through the spin zone.
Robinson also has the makings of an elite backyard linebacker with the speed and quickness to cover sideline to sideline. This list is a star-studded roster, but seeing Bijan outshine them all wouldn’t be shocking.
Grady Jarrett (designated snapper)
The team wouldn’t be complete without an honorary big man, and Jarrett is the perfect pick for that role. The defensive tackle might be considered undersized by NFL standards, but he’s a giant amongst men in this environment. Jarrett is nimble and quick enough to be a reliable passing outlet after snapping the ball, and he’s an ideal candidate to rush the passer. His fiery spirit and competitiveness will give this team the extra push it needs.
I invite you to try, but it’s unlikely you’ll be able to create a better roster than this.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our readers! To those who can’t be with family today, I hope you can still enjoy the afternoon of football with good food, strong drinks, or whatever your vice of choice may be.